Anxiety and C19
As many of you know, I have a generalised anxiety disorder (or GAD for short, not to be confused with God, I have one of those too but that’s for later on). GAD is always with me; he is like an invisible demon who enjoys sticking his pitchfork into the workings of my brain. In the normal world, I fight a constant battle with GAD for control of my brain, similar to the endless struggle between the Jedi and the Sith save that I don’t have a lightsaber. But now we live in a new world, a world where Covid 19 exists and the problem is that GAD loves C19. GAD and C19 could almost be depicted, perhaps in a hitherto unknown work by Danté, as being two lovers interlocking their hands and bringing misery and suffering to the masses.
I thought I would write a survival guide for dealing with GAD during the current crisis but that would be extremely arrogant given that everyone experiences anxiety differently and (spoiler alert) I don’t have all the answers. Instead, I thought I would write about a few of things that I have been doing, which has helped GAD stay away.
“With self-discipline most anything is possible.” While it may be dangerous, at present, to quote US presidents, Teddy Roosevelt’s words are a key mantra in my life. My day is dictated to by The Board. No, this is not an evil corporation trying to take over the world (although there are plenty of them), but a white board that sticks to our fridge. Every evening Emily and I write a plan for the day and while Emily has resisted my requests that every activity should have a defined time allowance and that toilet breaks should be scheduled, the Board includes most of the days activities, meal-plan and cleaning rota. Joseph has now taken to waking up in the morning and reading the Board to Amy. Amy, on the otherhand, has taken to ignoring the Board!
Knowing what I am supposed to be doing next, whether it be work at my desk, water the garden of do jigsaws with the children keeps GAD quiet (save, perhaps, for the anxiety of there being a missing piece in the puzzle). That’s because GAD thrives on the unknown, it takes any gaps in your day and fills them with thoughts and images of everything that could go wrong.
GAD loves it best if it can get you first thing in the morning (GAD is, annoyingly, both a lark and an owl) and keep you in bed. This is because if it keeps you in bed, it keeps you from doing things and then you get anxious about not doing things and then you feel like staying in bed longer (as what is the point of getting up) and then GAD makes you feel more anxious and so on. For this reason, as soon as I wake up I try and get out of bed, read my Bible and exercise. If by 7:00 I can have done 30 minutes of reading and prayer and 30 minutes of exercise then I find that GAD takes himself off in a huff until later in the day.
GAD is also more active when you are tired. It’s like that annoying person on the sports team who knows he is much better than everyone else and starts showing off just when you feel ready to collapse. For this reason (and the fact I am usually shattered), I make sure I go to bed at around the same time every night. There is, in the modern streaming world, always the temptation to watch another episode of your current binge, box set but I find that even a 45 minute difference in sleep time can make a massive difference.
A professor of psychology, Matthew Stanford, wrote that there are 4 aspects to the human being: physical, mental, spiritual and relational and that to be properly healthy you and to work on each of these areas. I try, each day, to think about what I can do to strengthen each of these areas. I have taken running back up (okay so more like a slow jog), which has replaced the gym. I also try and do yoga with the kids every morning but they are annoyingly flexible (I have, so far, ignored the thought of tying them in knots but if I hear, “Daddy look at me it’s easy!” one more time…) I am lucky that I am still working, which taxes (pun intended) my brain most days, and, in any spare time I have, I am learning Latin (this is incase C19 is a retrovirus and we all go back 2,000 years when we are let out of our houses). Spiritually, there is my daily bible reading and a wonderful church community, which is supporting dozens of local people who are struggling. Emily has been a cooking machine, sometimes cooking 5 meals a night for other people (I get beans on toast while they are eating homemade pies). If GAD loves C19 he hates God. The Bible says, “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and your minds,” (Philippians 4:6-7). Now, I know that many people are not religious but, for me, if I can find time to pause and pray to God then I feel that, for a while at least, he puts GAD in a cage. Why the cage can’t be permanent, only God knows.
In terms of relationships, C19 has presented new challenges. In a similar way to how GAD is both a lark and an owl, he is also happy if you receive no messages or loads of messages. Whereas, historically, I might have gone a couple of days without a message, I now receive somewhere in the region of 100 messages a day from family, friends and the various groups I belong to. While, 95% of these messages are supportive in nature (the other 5% being shopping orders from my niece (aged 2) for coconut water or my father (aged more than 2) for spiced rum) it can be very daunting to receive so many messages in a day. Luckily, many of these messages are via Whats App, which has a mute function whereby you still receive your messages but don’t get alerts. This allows you to set aside times in the day, as dictated to by the Board, for reading messages rather than constantly grabbing your phone out of your pocket and checking to see what text or video you’ve received.
Whatever your mental health situation, I hope and pray that you all stay well and sane over this pandemic. And, if all else fails, remember to dress as a superhero!
2 thoughts on “Anxiety and C19”
Excellent writing Mark, thank you!
Brilliant mush, such a good honest read, I’m sure a lot of people will relate to xx
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